The NBA Rundown
The NBA Rundown
Written by: Shael Plofsky
Washington Wizards 97 @ Cleveland Cavaliers 94
The first game of the NBA slate started off as a good one. Kyle “Forgeard” Kuzma full sent a three pointer late in the game to clinch it for the Wizards. He also finished the game with 22 points. Montrezl “Graham” Harrell went from starter to backup but his play continued to shine. He had 24 points and 11 rebounds in this tough win. Ricky “Marco” Rubio stayed away from the politics and media from his massive game in MSG the other day and continued to thrive by leading the Cavs with 20 points. Ed Davis didn’t check into the game keeping his average of 0.5 rebounds on the season in tact.
Brooklyn Nets 123 @ Orlando Magic 90
The Nets went into Orlando for a quick domination. James “lemon pepper” Harden had an easy triple double and then immediately left to go to Lou Williams favorite place in Orlando. Kevin “Slim Reaper” Durant led everyone in scoring with 30 and might be the early MVP favorite of the league. Orlando stinks and Jalen “I kinda” Suggs has been having a tough rookie year thus far and only scored 8 points in this one. Mo “Sheck Wes” Bamba had boards calling as he led the Magic with 9. The Magic are a mess and need to figure it out.
Toronto Raptors 88 @ Boston Celtics 104
Spicy P is back for the Raptors and it didn’t matter at all. He had 8 points and 7 rebounds and they still got babied by the Celtics all night. Scottie “Pippen” Barnes wanted to be the focal point of the Raptors/Celtics documentary and showed up with 21 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists. Jayson “Statham” Tatum was fast and furious in this one, controlling the entire game with a 22/12/7 stat line. Al “old-man” Horford was able to walk his way up and down the court and be effective once again. Marcus Smart stayed away from any fan altercation in the win.
Milwaukee Bucks 112 @ New York Knicks 100
When the champions go into the Garden, you know they are going to show up. They had a lead and then blew the lead and then were able to recapture that lead behind Pat “McAfee” Connaughton. Instead of punting the game away, he led the Bucks with 23 points. Giannis “smoothie Antetokounmpo was himself once again with 15/15/8 and had Walt Frazier struggling to pronounce his name all night. “Orange” Julius Randle always puts himself in a blender as all he does is spin with the ball. Derrick “6th man of the year” Rose continued his campaign by scoring 22 points with 7 assists.
Detroit Pistons 112 @ Houston Rockets 104
Cade Cunningham vs. Jalen Green. I would like to start off by saying that if you just look at points, it does look like Jalen played great. Once again however, he shot under 50% from the field which he does in every single game. He is overrated, trust me. Jerami Grant “Hill” played like a Piston legend in this one leading everyone in scoring with 35 points. Cade “1-1” Cunningham had 20/4/3 compared to the overrated Jalen Green who had 23/5/2 in this one. Also, Kevin “move my locker” Porter Jr. loves to chuck up shots as he scored 18 in this one.
Dallas Mavericks 107 @ Chicago Bulls 117
Chicago was once again electric with Luka and the Mavericks coming to town. Lonzo “BBB” Bull could not miss from deep as he went 7/10 from three and ended with 21 points on the night. Zach “Bunnies” LaVine was the high scorer for the Bulls once again and had a showtime 360 in game dunk. Ayo Dosunmu looked unreal in the black pinstripe jerseys the Bulls were wearing. Luka “body fat percentage” Doncic did his usual thing as he flirts with a triple double in every game he plays. Kristaps “Ivan Drago” Porzingis tried to knock the Bulls out as he had one of his best games of the season with 22 points and 12 rebounds. Did you know Frank Ntilikina is on the Mavericks?
Charlotte Hornets 118 @ Memphis Grizzlies 108
The Swarm against the Griz. Charlotte has shown up to play most games this season and this was another one. LaMelo “Liangelo” Ball was shooting like his brother in this one as he struggled a little bit from the field, But, he was able to salvage his game by flirting with a triple double once again. Kelly “Bluebook” Oubre was able to find his true value as he scored 37 points off the bench and powered the Hornets to the win. Ja Morant “Man” was not small in this one as he dominated all night with 32 points, 8 assists, and 7 rebounds. Dillon Brooks “Koepka” came back from injury and scored 20 in his return. Tyus Jones continues to be one of the most attractive guys in the entire league.
OKC Thunder 108 @ New Orleans Pelicans 100
The Pelicans are actually awful. Zion needs to be back. He is resembling White Goodman from the movie Dodgeball right now. When White Goodman was in the gym at Globo he was a beast, but after he loses his grind, he ends up fat and out of shape. Sounds a little too similar. Josh Gritty continues to be Gritty and fills the stat sheet up in all categories. Lu Dort had 27 points in the win which is crazy because most games he forgets how to shoot a basketball. NAW and Jonas are the only bright spots on the Pelicans as they combined for 58 points in a very tough loss.
Sacramento Kings 117 @ San Antonio Spurs 136
The Kings came in lackluster and no one came to play in San Antonio other than De’Aaron “what does the” Fox “Say”. He made noise tonight scoring 37 points on 24 shots. Tristan “Khloe” Thompson has never been the same since his Kardashian curse. Buddy “Teeth” Hield still needs braces and no one knows his actual age. Dejounte “Kenneth” Murray put on a heisman performance with a stat line of 26/7/6 and he continues to be on the league's most underrated players. Lonnie Walker IV doesn’t have crazy hair anymore and can wear hats normally if you were not aware.
Indiana Pacers 98 @ Denver Nuggets 101
The Pacers continued on their struggle bus with Rick Carlisle as they headed to Denver for this one. Malcolm “In the middle” Brogdon has been sneaky great this year and is always the consistent guy everyone forgets about. Domantas Sabonis was eating a full course meal against the Jokic-less Nuggets as he had 20 points and 19 rebounds. For Denver, Will “The Thrill” Barton had 30 points as he was nuclear all game long. Also, Bones Hyland is finally getting minutes as he scored 12 off the bench. Bol Bol is always a DNP-CD.
Portland Trail Blazers 109 @ Phoenix suns 119
Dame Dollar looked to break the slump going into a game against the Phoenix Suns. He was able to score the ball, having 28 points, but once again shot under 50 percent from the field. Robert Covidton needs to go into quarantine and away from this Blazers team because he has been such a minimal help. Larry Nance Jr. has a father named Larry Nance Sr. The Suns continue to play team ball as Chris “State farm” Paul had 21 points, Jae “Hockey number” Crowder had 12 points, and ``Wet like I’m book'' had 12. Frank the Tank had 31 off the bench as he is still trying to prove that Wisconsin should’ve won the NCAA title.
Minnesota Timberwolves 110 @ Golden State Warriors 123
Now this game was fun. Starting with the Timberwolves having the best interviewer in the NBA, Anthony Edwards scored 48 on the Warriors and got whatever he wanted all game. D-Loading wanted to record a phone call for Iggy Azalea but was unable to in this one. Karl Towns got dunked on twice by Andrew “Luck” Wiggins as he tried to retire him by the end of the game. Wiggins also scored 35 in his revenge game as it seemed like this game was personal for him. Gary Payton II has been a highlight reel but regression is coming so sell his stock. Draymond kicked no one in the groin in the win.
Miami Heat 117 @ Los Angeles Lakers 120 OT
The final game of the night was an amazing one. Heat and Lakers on ESPN, game goes to overtime, does not get much better than that. The Heat were without Jimmy G Buckets and the Lakers were without The King. Bam “Bam Bigelow” Adebayo wrestled his way inside the paint all game as he recorded 28 points and 10 rebounds. Cow Lowry (Shoutout KOT4Q) showed his dump truck the entire game and also had an 18/11/6 line. Hate on him all you want, but when he triple doubles, his team wins. Westbrook did it again in this game with a massive stat line of 25/14/12. Malik “Ohm” Monk was zen with 27 points and meditated his way to the best game of the season. Dwight Howard fouled out and had no “tailbone” injury coming into this game.